“Which one of us wants to admit to wanting to die 12 times a year”

by msjekyllhyde

A moving and powerful comment from a reader of this blog.

‘Hello. Are you still here?

I just had my tubes tied earlier this year and begged for a hysterectomy because PMDD is ruining my life. They were very concerned but had no idea what I was even talking about.

I am 37 and have 5 children as I could never tolerate birth control – it made PMDD worse. I have moved away from entire life to try to solve this but upon finding these posts…

I do not believe there is anything that can be done naturally and that misinformed doctors have done me a horrible disservice. Now I will have to have 2 surgeries and the scar tissue will hurt worse. However, that would be a small price to pay to be able to live a life I have never had.

The patriarchal medical community has been mishandling women since the time time they outlawed midwifery and began to try to figure out the mystery of the female body on their own.

They have no place trying to tell us how our bodies function and they need to stop interfering with the the natural essence of child birth as well. It is NOT a medical emergency and doesn’t even have to be painful for 90% of women. The information in itself is fear based and nonsense for the most part. Women do not have to be wheeled in on a gurney screaming at the top of their lungs because simple understanding has been robbed from them about what their bodies were born to do.

I started my period in the 5th grade and also tried to kill myself that same year. What 5th grader does that?? I have spent my entire life fearing that I was certified as well, but I’m not. I am actually brilliant and my brain gets attacked month after month as I suffer in silence.

I too have been put on antidepressants 10 years ago but PMDD is NOT depression. On the days when your brain is normal, those drugs are doing far more harm than good and robbing you of feeling anything. Turning off the brain of a woman with PMDD is not a viable solution by any means and antidepressants can often intensify suicidal thoughts making this a horrible misdiagnosis and treatment choice.

Which one of us wants to admit to wanting to die 12 times a year because I never have wanted to. What a scary existence to have lived in the shadow of my own life feeling utterly alone and fearful for what it would mean for me as a mother to admit any of this.

Enough is enough and I have not had the opportunity to embrace the full beauty of my life and I did not know why!

Last year a girl named Gia killed herself and it was brought to my attention. This girl had everything going for her and she did not have to die. I think of her everyday and my life is somewhat dedicated to her now. Everything I do, will be for her so that she will not be forgotten. The non-supportive people around us who know even less than the doctors do, can be the biggest danger to us and I have completely isolated myself to avoid these types of triggers. For Gia, it was her father, whom she felt did not love her – the escalated abandonment issues are unbearable in my opinion – and when her boyfriend said that he too did not love her anymore she went straight home and hung herself. Last month, when I could not get up off of my bathroom floor, I googled her again. It was a vacuum.. a vacuum cord and a spiral staircase. Did she use the vacuum for weight…? I just cannot believe it. I keep her very close to my heart and I have moved away to stand up for her. For myself. For all of us.

We need a voice. We must find the way to govern our own bodies. This condition is dangerous and I bet you there are women locked up because of this. We need a voice. That is why I am here. I hope everyone one of you will join me.’

The Beast, 24/8/14

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